@kelkulus

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

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@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@BestScienceJoke

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

@mugkip

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*