If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
#StillHurts