If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.


[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*


The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.


I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.


*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?


WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.


[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*