@kelkulus: If I were Obama, I'd totally lead with "My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless." #SOTU
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@Pmerrily: Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
@Sean_Burgundy_: You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
@mattgallo123: Everyone's like "the things I want for Christmas can't be bought." And I'm like "Legos. I want legos."
@GothikRokkit: Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.