If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
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If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night