If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
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I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
you have three unread messages
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me driving through Toronto