When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If I were to walk 500 miles and walk 500 more I’d be the man to die from cardiac arrest right at your door
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A new breed of stupid…
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?