[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit