I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.