if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
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a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“We will wed,” I threatened
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!