If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
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Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Kids, do not try this at home!
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots