@IamEnidColeslaw

IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS

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@RickAaron

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

@e4moji

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@rebrafsim

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

@DrakeGatsby

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

@TheBoydP

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…