IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
#damn
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.