IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
The most important meal of the day is the next one
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.