If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.