If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

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40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.


My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.


Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview


Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now


remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot


If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants


My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch.”


*Police bust through door*





I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.


Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it