@NickSchug

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

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@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@DrakeGatsby

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@Diversion50

I once had an epileptic fit during my turn at a game of charades.

Everyone just kept yelling, “HOW MANY WORDS?” and “IS IT THE EXORCIST?”.

@faungirl123

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

@DaddyJew

Nurse friend: where can I get some scrubs?

Me: idk, probably hanging at the passenger side of his best friend’s ride trying to holler at me

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

@BoomBoomBetty

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

@AbbyHasIssues

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.