If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.