me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
real
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.