If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.

“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”

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In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.


The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.


“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie


If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.


*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*


Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”


*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets


I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it