In first grade I pretended I could talk to animals because I thought kids would like me, but then a squirrel attacked Lisa Shapiro.
If I worked at Starbucks I’d pull a Napoleon Dynamite every time.
“I see you’re drinking 2%, is that because you think you’re fat?”
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The Super Bowl is a great opportunity to let 200 million people know your ad agency sucks.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you steal my tweets I’ll just unfollow you cuz your tweets are terrible.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I learned snapchat finally
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I tried to think of a funny caption for this but nothing could improve it