If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…