If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Finished stitching this today 😇
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”