*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
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As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys