anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
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Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.