How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
😂 amazing answer
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…