Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
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In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
So that’s what we looked like?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon