@Lisabug74

If I yell, “Heads up!” I’m clear of all liability at children’s parties.

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@Tylerosis

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

@SortaBad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

@Bunnydurden

Try saying “good luck” without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.

@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”

@djr_102

There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

@Incilin

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

@UnFitz

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@shanethevein

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.