@jwoodham

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

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@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.

@AngrEdmontonian

*puts hand on your knee

*slowly moves up your thigh

*runs over your hip

*drags finger up your stomach

*grabs remote

*changes channel

@nyquills

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@DurtMcHurtt

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@Try2StopME

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

@KevinHart4real

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

@SonOfCha

Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?