@jwoodham

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

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@AndrewChamings

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

@batkaren

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

@Oshungurl

It’s confusing for me too, but I don’t need your money so you’re going to have to be a nice guy if this is going to work out.

@Fazio_N

You’ve been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*

@shutupmikeginn

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@girlposts

having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house

@ThatMummyLife

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!