If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
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[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.