If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
what could possibly go wrong?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Meow
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails