@Writepop

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

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@BigJDubz

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

@ddsmidt

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

@Wordesse

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

@climaxximus

[restaurant]

me: I’ll have the salad

waiter: any fruit in the salad?

me: mandarin please

waiter: my apologies sir, 沙拉里有水果?

@ColoradoUgly

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

@ElayneBoosler

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?