I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
me working on my assignments ^-^
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Reporter: *ports again*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
😂😂
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?