If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
ok like just. call me at this point
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”