@TheAlexNevil

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

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@kieransofar

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time

@Mikecanrant

T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

@ObscureGent

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

@rebbeckles

My husband: *finishes vacuuming*

Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*

@fro_vo

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

@ProZD

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

@sixfootcandy

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

@junejuly12

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

@LackOfShame

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.