[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.