@TheAlexNevil

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

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@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@imence2

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@bornmiserable

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@fillthevacuum

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

@PhuckinCody

ME: hey did u get my letter?

HER: No

ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now

HER: You mean carrier pigeon?

ME: lol what

@TheHyyyype

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass