being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Software Development ⛵️
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.