Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM