If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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I took 2 inches off my daughterâs Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and youâd think I just shaved her head for the army.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I havenât read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
At drop off, 5âs teacher said âgood morning sweetheartâ and 5 replied âmummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgustingâ then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that Iâm starting to doubt sheâs mine.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
đ
If youâve figured out one woman then youâve figured out one woman
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
đ
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper âforeverâ
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Dad: âGO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!â
Child: *storms off* âJIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!â
Dad: âWHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?â
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very muchâŚ
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.