@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

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@dog_feelings

i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?

Her: Neither. I’m vegan.

Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.

@brunopieroni

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

@shariv67

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

@Twtercide

Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain

@JessObsess

Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.

@johngaysee

If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.