If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

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i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy


My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.


Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?

Her: Neither. I’m vegan.

Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.


Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.


Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”


Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain


Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.


If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.


They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.