i hear. a borking. in the distance. this means. i too. must bork. so that everyone knows. i heard. the initial borking. it’s common courtesy
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
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A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?
Her: Neither. I’m vegan.
Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.
*takes pic of hair in drain
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.