@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

- @WilliamAder

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@aksorojas

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
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@SortaBad

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

@NOTVIKING

when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

@Beer4AGoodTime

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

@mishakey

I was telling this chick how I almost died during childbirth and she asked me when I’m having another one. I SAID I ALMOST DIED, CRAZY LADY.

@Tommytoughstuff

*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now