If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
all bases covered
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)