[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet