If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.