If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
We decided to have money instead of children.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..