If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
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Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
American Horror Story: Public Restroom