If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies