@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

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@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

@Tmoney68

[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.

@lisaxy424

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

@princess_snide

Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.

@TriciaLockwood

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

@Darlainky

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

@JohnLyonTweets

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

@LoveNLunchmeat

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

@yonewt

It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag

@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES