Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.
-A week later at the dr’s office-
Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?
Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag
M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES