If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”


[Sloth Job Interview]

Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?

*2 hours later*

Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.


You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.


Massage Therapist: and now we’ll do the gallbladder move.

-A week later at the dr’s office-

Doc, palpating abdomen: wait… where’s your gallbladder?

Me: I dunno, my therapist moved it.


me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon


[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago


Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.


If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.


It’s great you can perform open-heart surgery, but what I really need is someone who can correctly put tissue paper in a gift bag


[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea