If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
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I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year