If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
You Might Also Like
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
i can’t wait that long
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party