If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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Any refunds available?…
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .