If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart


damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall


I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.


These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.

They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.


If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs


I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.


One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.


I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.