If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
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screw you
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?