I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
You Might Also Like
damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
These Jehovah’s Witnesses are getting creative.
They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.