@DirtMcTurd

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

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@leshnevsky

How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.

@copymama

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

@68Cly29

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

@LosLos__

I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.

@RandiLawson

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

@WheelTod

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@david8hughes

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?