If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

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How to make a woman crazy in two steps:
1. Take a picture of her
2. Don’t show her the picture


Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.


[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.


The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.


I have friends who do charity work for U2.
They’re pro Bono.


This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.


[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”


Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?