(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
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Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”