If I’m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet

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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]


Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k


My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.


When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”


Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.


Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes


So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? “Bob hurt one bird. He’s very sorry.”