“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
We cut our bangs at dawn.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes