If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
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Principal: Bob, you鈥檙e their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I鈥檒l be married by 30 (I鈥檓 41 for context)
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that鈥檚 low, Sharon
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 馃檪 so far I鈥檝e had zero birthday breakfasts 馃檪 and two Blu-ray players robbed 馃檪
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch