I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.