@ieatanddrink: If I'm on a date and can't think of anything to say I just make it look like I'm busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
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@awkwardphilippe: [running amok in flames] WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
@RidiculousSheri: 'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
@RidiculousSheri: Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
@sofarrsogud: BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
@iGreenMonk: I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she's still alive.
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