@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

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@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@TheMichaelRock

Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.

@vikkaroni

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

@Fickle_Filly

I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@iamspacegirl

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@BedheadBunny

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

@PlainTravis

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.