@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

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@ricsem

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

@iamspacegirl

Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.

Her: I can hear you.

Me: she could hear me

@Cheeseboy22

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@OrdinaryAlso

“We’re promoting you to Anchor”

Reporters: 🙂

Sailors: 🙁

@gIitering

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”