If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

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me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?


Someone called me stupid and then blocked me before I even had a chance to agree with them.


If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.


I wish I was getting half as much action as my neighbour’s lawn mower.


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.


Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick


If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.


For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.


Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.