If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
You Might Also Like
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I want to meet the individual who made this
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
My blood type is coffee.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie