If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Print is alive and well!!!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.