If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*