If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
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Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
All excellent questions
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
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I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.