Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.