if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
That eye roll….
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
what?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.